TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for historical tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be huge. Tremendous!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed with the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the very best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally out of area. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Sure, absolutely sure, let's have Yet another place exactly where American men can don robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: offer everyone a suite to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This Trump Tower Damascus is certainly gentle electric power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It's that he ought to end using it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the challenge, replied, "You understand, man, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic folks. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping types an enormous Trump head visible from Area, a attribute remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after getting the building's gold plating mirrored a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not only unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Confusing Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest element of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may perhaps ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with climate Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Community Syrians are unsure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing System: "When you Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advert campaign, a short while ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Permanently."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "the place's the closest elevator on the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is currently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will even involve:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort in which my PTSD may have switch-down assistance."


A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to build a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It needed gold. It wanted a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

Report this page